Marizipan's Life

I'll Be Your Commander

2011-03-20T17:21:00.001-07:00

Time: 6:56pm

Current Song: Commander - Kelly Rowland ft. David Guetta

Current Mood: Melancholy

I finally cleaned out my car today, because it was so overdue. I took my dog for a car ride, and he's currently shedding, so I was pretty much required to vacuum as much of that fur up as possible. He's such a bad dog sometimes, always eating things he shouldn't be and getting mud everywhere. I can't blame him, though; sometimes it's just fun to wreck things and make a mess.

What's so odd, now that I think back on them, are my past relationships. They were kind of abnormal in comparison to other people's. It always seemed to go like this:

1) We're friends

2) I let on I like him

3) He comes out and says he likes me too

4) We start talking 24/7 and quickly know everything about each other, for the most part

5) He kind of dotes on me, gets clingy, and then says something extreme along the lines of, "I want to marry you", or "I'd die for you"

6) I get kind of freaked out and distance myself

So you can see why it's so odd for me, now, that I've met someone who doesn't follow this path at all. The fact that he isn't falling all over me, as pretentious as that sounds, is very strange and sort of baffling because of my past relationships. I kind of like that he hasn't made me his entire life's focus, though.

I'm going away soon, again. When I get back, I'll have to work on getting a job. In the mean time, I'm still working on getting in shape. I'm just getting over a head cold, so I haven't been working out as much as I would like, and that makes me sort of sad. Something else making me sad is my other dog, who is not shedding or doing much of anything except crying and digging holes in the garden. She's really old, though, so I guess weird behaviour like that isn't totally uncommon for older dogs.

One more thing that's bothering me is that a little over a week ago, I went to a concert and met a guy I'd spoken to online for about a year. He was pretty cool, so I asked him if he wanted to hang out again. The next day we drove around for a while, and just when I was dropping him off, he kissed me. Before he got out of the car, he said, "This will be our little secret, okay?" and left. Shudder.

There are so many things wrong with this, I don't know where to begin. He's really a pretty swell guy. Very nice to talk to, etc. Did I mention he has a girlfriend? Yeah, he has a girlfriend. (She cuts her own bangs, by the way.) Regardless of whether I like his girlfriend or not, which I don't, I would never intentionally hurt her by cheating with her boyfriend. More importantly, I wouldn't do that to my own gentleman caller. Like I said, there are a lot of things wrong with that situation. The worst of which is that the day after he kissed me, his girlfriend took a day-long bus and ferry ride to see him.

I told my gentleman friend that this guy had kissed me, and he laughed, but I know he only did because he knew he had nothing to worry about.

I don't really want to go away. I would be pretty content to just stay home and be lazy for the rest of Spring Break, but that never seems to be an option for me. There's always work to be done, or my family and I are traveling. It's all very tiring.

I'm watching Seven Pounds right now. I always have an internal giggle when the kids are singing, "I'm Into Something Good" by Herman Hermits, and they sing the line, "I knew it couldn't be just a one night stand", because the kids are all about 9 and 10 years old.

I'm so tired, I can't eat. Not eating makes me tired. Every once and a while, I have a strange food craving of the most random things possible. I might shove a sandwich into me and go for a run now, or maybe some sit ups or something. I've been told that if I can get my stress down by exercising, I'll be less tired, and more hungry. Should I be able to actually make myself do some exercise, I'll probably feel happier, too. I'm happy now, I just know that I could probably be a lot happier.

Anyways, that's all for now.

kthnxbai

Tell Me What You Want To Hear

2011-03-20T00:00:00.000-07:00

You have a different side of you. One that makes me smile and doesn't put up with my shit or anyone else's. You take the worst from me and turn it into something better. When things go wrong, you say, "It doesn't change anything", and you mean it. Most importantly: You don't let me down. You show up when you say you will and you trust me. I trust you too.

I Know You Hate The Weather... So Maybe You Should Hold Onto My Sweater.

2011-03-07T19:31:00.000-08:00

Time: 8:21pm

Current Song: Sweater Song - Hedley

Current Mood: Content

You suck because you exist. People just naturally suck, actually. According to Confucius, people are born good. This is obviously true because when you're born, you haven't had the chance to suck yet. But as you get older, the suckage becomes worse and worse, and it's harder to hide how much you suck. I'm not talking about myself, here, I'm talking about pretty much everyone I know. I met a guy in Toronto who described his friends as, "Generally awesome. They go about a solid month being great, and then have this random week where all they do is suck, like a suckage-PMS." He was nice. It's unfortunate that I live across the country, because we got along pretty well in person. Online just isn't the same at all. Apparently I insulted his mother, and now she won't make me blueberry pancakes. How disappointing.

Life is moving pretty slowly right about now. I've taken up running, even though I'm completely out of shape. My goals aren't time or distance, but just running until I pour sweat, because it helps me sleep. I plan to go for a minimum 1/4 mile run four times a week. Seems like a pretty attainable goal. Sleeping for me never seems to be restful unless I work out before I go to bed for some reason. My schedule lets me get up at a reasonable hour, except for Mondays (what the fuck?), but no matter what time I go to bed, I wake up feeling horrible. My doctor sent me in for blood work to see how my thyroid is acting. Also, I went to that specialist, and I have tinnitus, which is rare for someone my age. It's basically a fancy way of saying that my ears are going to continually ring for the rest of my life.

Also, as I mentioned before, I was in Toronto. I was visiting my brother, and I met all of his quite wonderful friends. They suck much less than the people in Victoria, which made me sad because I didn't want to leave. There were three girls on his entire residence floor, which was odd. So I ended up spending a lot of time with just guys, which was strange coming from an all girls school. It was also pretty comforting walking down the street with a group of 5-7 guys at night, one of which was a cage fighter. I much prefer that to going to downtown Victoria at night incapacitated with a bunch of girls. I know that there's safety in numbers, but I prefer hanging out with the guys, I did as a kid, too. Except this one guy who was Turkish nationalist and wouldn't stop talking about all the girls he'd gotten with. We all knew he wasn't really getting any action. God I miss those guys. The few girls I met were pleasant, too. Maybe they were just on their best behaviour in front of a guest.

I'm starting to think about moving. I'm changing my mind, but the fact that I have cold feet makes me think that it would be beneficial for me to get out of my comfort zone and live on my own, if only for a year. My brother did it and it's worked out so well that he's not going to move back in. Although, I don't know what my parents will do after I move out, so maybe coming home won't even be an option. Nonetheless, I'm going to move out, no matter how much I'll miss the select few people I've met that don't completely suck here.

I'm contented, regardless, because I know that I won't be stuck here too much longer. I feel like I already have one foot out the door to graduate and turn 18. Now all I need is a job, and I'll be pretty much set. My academic advisor is convinced that I'll get accepted into the University I want, so if I don't get in, I'm going to blame her. I'm just kidding. No, but seriously. I wouldn't be completely surprised if I didn't get in, though, because I'm a pessimist and I put in minimal effort in school. In fact, I spend most of my time watching Skins (the British version, obviously- the US version is just a complete copy of the British one).

There's always a silver lining, even if you can't see it, fortunately.

I'm going to go for that run now, though, because it's the only way I seem to get any rest or peace of mind. I wish I'd taken this up a long time ago because it's just making me feel so much better. But before I go, one last thing I'd like to throw out there is that I've been deeply considering going vegetarian for months, but my parents are convinced that no one could live healthily that way, even though there's no grease or fat involved in a vegetarian diet. It's also lower in sodium, which is heart-healthy. In fact, it's everything-healthy. I'll probably try it while I'm away. I already don't eat a ton of meat, so it won't be turning my life upside down to cut meat out of my diet officially. Though I may miss chicken pot pies on occasion.

Holy Potatoes

2011-01-14T18:52:00.000-08:00

Time: 6:52pm
Mood: Impatient
Current Song: She's So Lovely - Scouting For Girls
Current Show: American Pie 2

Dear Diary,

It's been an extremely long time since I've written here, and I'm not sure why. The past few months have been a blur, really. I'm not going to lie, I've been playing a lot of Pokemon on my computer and drinking a lot of tea.
I've also taken up watching Jersey Shore because the people are ridiculous and it has bearable background music. Season 3 has started, which made me the happiest I've been in what seems like forever. Sammi got the crap beaten out of her, which was just good television. Bodyguard-type people had to come in and stop JWoww from smashing her face in. Between her starting random arguments with anyone in earshot and the fact that she got back with a cheater, I think Sammi certainly deserved a slap upside the head.

On another subject, I'm moving next year, which will be exciting. I've only driven past this particular town (which will remain nameless) before, but I'm eager to get out of this town and go somewhere new. Someone from said town told me not to go; then again, I would never suggest that someone should go to my local University either.

Over the past month or so, I've become extremely bored and dissatisfied. I went to Hawaii over the winter break, but as soon as I was back, I was in the same monotonous routine I was in before I left.

Also, I have a bit of an announcement to make that's rather unpleasant. Last March, I went to Europe and caught a cold because the tour guide kept saying it would be warm out, and then it would be -1C.
Anyways, this head cold turned into a sinus infection. On the plane ride home, because of said sinus infection, I couldn't clear my ears properly, and after a 10 hour flight, my ears apparently had had enough and I was almost completely deaf for a couple of days afterwards. Eventually, my ears popped and then began continually ringing. A few times since, I've gone almost entirely deaf when I've been around any kind of loud noise. Basically, I'm facing the possibility of going permanently deaf. I haven't told a lot of people this, but now it's progressively getting worse, and I have to start facing it. I'm seeing a specialist about this, but even that isn't enough to make me feel any better.

On another subject, I recently found out I have a skill for finding information about people online. How creepy is that? Very.

So yes, my current situation is quite unpleasant, but... Well, there isn't really a 'but', it just sucks. I suppose life could be worse, though. I'm not sure how, but I'm sure it could be.

Also, I saw a genuinely terrible movie today called Skyline. It was about supposedly unstoppable aliens attacking Earth and eating people's brains. I'm completely serious.
The first half or so was good, as is normal with horror movies, but the second half was ridiculous and had a terrible ending. In fact, the ending was almost as terrible as Splice's ending where the monster changes genders, rapes what is technically its mother, and then the 'mother' is pregnant at the end.
In Skyline, though, an alien eats the main character's brain and absorbs his consciousness. So the main character is an alien? I honestly hope that there's a sequel where he tries to fit into society as an alien; that would probably be better than the actual movie.

That's all for now.

Legacy

2010-07-09T15:59:00.000-07:00

A man and a woman owned an apartment complex. One of the tenants, a teacher, lived in one of the apartments for many years. One day, the woman fell in her apartment, and lost her eye on the edge of her coffee table. The man and the woman that owned the complex were raising the rent, but never mentioned to the teacher that she had to pay more. She knew that her neighbours' rent was being raised, but never mentioned the rent to the owners, either. The man was actually good friends with the teacher. They joked and talked while she religiously paid her rent on time.

Years later, two women sat at a table, discussing this terrible accident that had happened to one of the woman's son's wife's aunt. She had fallen in her apartment and lost her eye. But the woman who had lost her eye had never stopped talking about how generous her landlord had been, and how he hadn't raised her rent. It was then that the other woman, my grandmother, said, "That's my husband."

I Don't Know How I'm Meant To Feel Anymore.

2009-08-10T19:23:00.000-07:00

Time: 7:24pm
Current Song: Comme Des Enfants (Le Matos Andy Carmichael Remix)- Coeur De Pirate
Mood: Anxious

Dear Diary,

I haven't posted here in a long time, (or, at least, what feels like a long time) for many personal reasons.
It isn't that I dislike my four or five readers, but my grandmother recently passed away and I've been keeping that private until now. But that's mostly for pity reasons. I hate when you want sympathy, but no one will give you any; but when you don't want it, it's all you have. I don't believe I've ever wanted sympathy or pity; I don't think that's what anyone really wants. It's just a difficult time, full of things I'd rather not discuss at current. So basically no, I haven't been blogging.
I haven't really been writing, period. Or reading. I'm so lame.

Anyways.
I am a personal believer that when someone dies, it brings out everyone's true colours. Whether they knew the person or not, people tend to show their true colours after you've lost someone. Don't ask me, because it doesn't even completely make sense, but it's just personal experience that makes me believe this. Maybe it's some kind of random cosmic reaction? The point is, every time I've lost someone, I've realized who is a good or bad friend. Or sometimes, without even bringing up that I've lost someone, I just finally wake up to what a person is really saying to me.
Personally, I think life is just too short to waste on someone that won't treat you as you should be treated, or someone that you don't like. Sure, living like that could make you lose friends, but they couldn't have been very good friends if having self-esteem makes them leave.

So.
About my vacation.
The day after the funeral, my parents, brother, and I all packed up and went to Enderby. It was a seriously long drive from Sidney. Why would we go to a tiny town that I'd never heard of before the drive up there (I couldn't remember the name until over half-way up)? It has the largest drive-in theatre in Northern America. Pretty impressive. Although, being the "city-slicker" I am, I couldn't help but be a little critical of all the "small-town" people there. I live in the suburbs; they lived in the middle of nowhere.
A single event while at the drive-in will always stick with me. It was a girl a few years younger than me, pleading with her mother in the bathroom to go sit in an older boy's truck to watch the second move, which was 18A. Her mom refused to let her, with good reason, but this girl just would not let up with this idea she had in her head that being in an older guy's truck by herself was a good idea.
Basically, the conversation went like this:
"But he can drive me home!"
"No. I don't want you with some boy in the dark."
"But he isn't that old. I'll be fine. Please?"
"*Shakes head* No."
"Okay, I'm going anyways."
"Come back! I said NO!"

Yeah. But I felt so guilty being anywhere near this conversation, because she was obviously trying really hard to impress the by-standers. Which included myself.

We only stayed one night in Enderby, which was probably better off, since there wasn't that much to do there, anyways. Okay, that I saw and that was tourist-y.

I was going to write about a lot more, but I'm exhausted since I only came home last night.
Kthnxbai

I Look At My Hands And Feel Sad, 'Cause The Spaces In Between My Fingers Are Right Where Yours Fit Perfectly.

2009-07-23T21:36:00.000-07:00

I'm finally going to do it... I'm going to post my Twitter.

www.twitter.com/Marizipan

I know, the name is such a shock, eh?
Anyways, all I really do is post on my Twitter. Complaining about music, good shows to watch, what a good song to look up is, etc.

Of course, that doesn't mean that I'll stop blogging. I just find Twitter a lot better for the now, instead of writing about what happened weeks ago in great detail. Although do love detail.
I could go on all night, but I plan to sleep soon.

Kthnxbaii <3.

The Stars Lean Down To Kiss You, And I Lie Awake And Miss You.

2009-07-23T15:59:00.001-07:00

Time: 3:37pm
Current Song: Vanilla Twilight- Owl City
Mood: Nuetral

Dear Diary,

Hello from my iPod!
First off, I want to apologize in advance for the numerous spelling and grammatical errors that will probably follow.
Last night, I found out how far outside of the Owl City loop I was, because he just came out with a new CD?! Not only this, but he got signed since the last time I as on his MySpace! How embarassing.

I've decided that I need to accomplish something. Of course, that won't be easy since I'm not even sure what's important to me anymore, but I'm drawn to the idea nonetheless. As soon as I figure out what that is, I'll write it here. Right now, music is huge for me, but I don't have any musical talents.

Coronation Street is on. kthnxbaii

And They're All Made Out Of Ticky-Tacky, And They All Look Just The Same.

2009-07-20T19:38:00.000-07:00

Time: 8:30pm
Current Song: Chelsea Smile- Bring Me The Horizon
Mood: Anxious.

Dear Diary,

Ugh.

I feel like I'm forgetting something really important, but I don't know what. I hate that.

Anyways.
New life goals:
- Go to England, use health care and find out if it really is any better than anywhere else (of course, this excludes the US for obvious reasons).
- Possibly go to France, but only for a short period as I don't speak French.
- Stop speaking in point form.
- Finish the story that's in my mind and driving me nuts, because it's only in the second chapter.
- Have someone bake me a pie because they can, not because I ask.

Those are the currents, the pie one was actually serious. The story is a tricky one that I don't think will ever get done, because I don't like actually physically writing, so I type it out. But I end up zoning out or getting distracted at the computer, so I'm not sure it will ever get finished.
Even if it did, I don't know what I'd do with it. Although, isn't it the same old story? You want what you can't have, but if you were to get it, you would have no idea what to do with it.

I know it's been a randomly long time since I've written on here, and I probably should have reread my last post to figure out what I mentioned, so I'll just go back as far as I can, and if I repeat myself, oh well :-P.

I got a puppy named Ramsey, and he's about 4 months old now (oh my, that happened fast). My brother left for Europe at the beginning of July and probably won't recognize Ramsey when he gets back, because he's so much bigger now.
I'm taking in-class driving lessons, which is okay I suppose. I have a really odd teacher. In the first class, since I was tired and grumpy, I did that thing where I only picked out the bad in him, which wasn't fair. But in the second class, I made sure I didn't do that, and then I realized that we have a really similar sense of humour.
Unfortunately, I had a girl I went to elementary school with, who hated me, behind me for the second class, constantly sighing overdramatically in my ear whenever I opened my mouth. So that was irritating. But I've made a few friends in that class, which makes me quite happy. It just proves that you can make friends anywhere.
One girl is my brother's age, pregnant, and engaged. Oddly, though, she isn't as interesting to me as the girl that's actually my age, simply because the older girl is quiet most of the time.
Although my entire class is normally quiet except for me, haha. My teacher and I end up ranting at each other with "What if...?"'s and "But then..."'s, or just random jokes that make me laugh hysterically.
For some reason it came up that I'd had a teacher who spat a lot, and then he said something like, "Haha, do they give you a towel with your shower?" and I laughed harder than I have in a while.

I think that covers everything, actually. I'm learning to drive, as well. Well, obviously from the classes.

Kthnxbaii.

When The Moon Fell In Love With The Sun, All Was Golden In The Sky. All Was Golden When The Day Met The Night...

2009-06-17T17:02:00.000-07:00

I am.
Sick.
And tired.
Of exams.

I mean, seriously, I have two Math exams, two Science exams, an English and a Socials exam. That's SIX EXAMS. With a "debrief" in between my math exams and another in between my Science exams.
That's a lot of work and I should probably be more stressed. But I don't really care. I played the Sims 3 last night for about 5 hours before my exam this morning.
An exam is only hard in a subject that you aren't interested in. I'm not really interested in anything at the moment, so that isn't the greatest sign for me.

Also.
Pheremones.
I hate them but there isn't exactly a way to get rid of them. So irritating. They make you want someone, but when they fall into your lap? You don't want them anymore. I guess that's a big part of being an undecisive teenager =/.

Anyways. I'm exhausted and I need a new book. Desperately. It's also my birthday on Wednesday and I just don't care. I don't want to get older, I don't really want my L, and I don't want any presents. I'm just a party pooper during exams, haha.

I know this was short but... Kthnxbaii

Come Sit By Me At Lunch, And Make Me Feel Like I'm Somehow Cool.

2009-06-13T11:00:00.000-07:00

I can only snap with one hand. How weird is that?

I know, it's been an incredibly long time since I've posted and I'm sorry. But before I talk about Hawaii, sea turtles, helicopter and submarine rides, I'd like to put a thought out there.

What is friendship? I mean, really. Do you have any idea? I'm starting to realize that it's harder to find than I once assumed.
The person I thought was my best friend turned on me. And I'm not just saying this, it really just... Happened.
I thought she was helping me, making me feel like and be a better person, but she was only really hurting me emotionally.
So right now, honestly, feels like a fairly vulnerable time. Although I'm one of those poor saps that wears their heart on their sleeve and hopes that no one comes and walks on it.
Why? Because I don't know how to keep it from people, it's in my nature to keep it there.

Anyways, that isn't the point, the point is that we stopped talking over something stupid, that makes little sense, and now that we aren't friends, I feel like there's a weight off of my shoulders. I'm happier not being her friend, and I don't mind that.
She sent me an apology via Facebook and I didn't respond, because it was on Facebook. The next day? She didn't speak to me, so I figured, "Screw it, she's a coward." She still hasn't tried to fix things, so that's her problem.
A problem I'm not about to help her with.
It's weird, though, because she was with two people that I don't really like. One that refuses to speak to me in person, and one that's just... You know what? I'm not going to go into that. She's "Person B" from my last post.
And while she was with these two girls, she ignored me and laughed just a little bit too much. Almost like that pathetic, "Look what you're missing out on" thing.
I know I sound really, really mean, or at least I think I do, but the whole thing is ridiculous and I'm tired of it. Thank god for the end of school.

On another subject, I went to Hawaii. It was glorious. I snorkeled/swam with sea turtles, travelled all over the island, saw a volcanic vent in the dark, took a helicopter ride over another volcanic vent, and went in a submarine the day after the helicopter ride.
I learned a lot, had a lot of fun, and had a ton of trouble not being tired because it was so humid. But it really was amazing, my family and I took at least 700 pictures along the way.

I recently got a puppy, too! his name is Ramsey. By 'recently', I mean I got him on Wednesday, June 10th around 11pm. Okay, I say 11pm but my parents actually picked him up and met him the day before around 4:30pm. He came from the Interior of BC, so it took them a day to drive up there and pick him up.
Ramsey is rambunctious. Very, very rambunctious. He bites, scratches, everything. But he's adorable! He has grey eyes and almost white fur because he's a yellow lab. He's two months and two days old today, by the way.

On a completely different subject...
I'm a little bit insulted, because several of my friends graduated on the 11th and I was not only not invited, but I didn't even know! No one told me.
So I'm avoiding a lot of people right now, because that seems like a jerk move to me. What's worse? I saw pictures of other people I know in the same pictures.
Am I overreacting?
UPDATE (I've been meaning to update this for days): I asked a friend of mine for some input about this and he talked to me about how limited grad tickets were, so it isn't an issue anymore. I also feel really bad for not remembering to update this sooner.

K, well, that's it for now. If anyone actually reads this, post a comment (because I actually know how to check for them now).
kthnxbai eat your vegetables and get some vitamin D.

PS. I lost my job. The Japanese kids I was supposed to be hosting at my school this summer aren't coming because of fear of the Swine Flu, or H1N1.

Every Day That Passes Is One Less That You Got To Shake Your Asses!

2009-05-12T17:43:00.000-07:00

GAH!

That's right, gah! Gah for all the days that I wondered if I was crazy.
Gah for all the times that I felt completely alone.

Gah for my freaking school drama.

It's just suffocating sometimes. I have a vacation coming up, so I'm getting kind of desperate to get on that plane and go to Hawaii.
So today...
I know, I'm not even jumping around it, there's just a story I need to get out there.

While my friend was in the bathroom, a girl that I can't stand reached into her purse and made a phone call to one of her friends. You see, the girl that was in the bathroom? Yeah, she wouldn't have known that her cellphone had been used without permission if the guy hadn't called back. I mean it, he called and asked for that girl that had "borrowed" the phone.
Later on, the owner of the phone, let's call her Person A, got harassed by the guy repeatedly because he was looking for the girl who took the phone, let's call her Person B.
Person A flipped at Person B in the hallway. "[Person B], what the fuck where you doing with my phone?"
Of course, being Person B, she would never admit to it, so she kept claiming that another girl had a similar phone number. Person B doesn't have a cell phone, so she wouldn't know that there's a specific category that says "Dialed Numbers" on the phone.
What was hilarious about this entire thing, was that during the argument, between the "Please stop yelling"'s and "I didn't use your phone"'s, she said, "Well, if it was really expensive, I could pay for it."
That's like saying, "I didn't murder the guy! I didn't murder the guy! It was an accident. But I didn't murder the guy!"

What I'm super tired of, besides this drama, is my teachers. Some of them I love and treat like friends, others I wish would stay out of my personal space when they smell like onions.
I think I need a hobby.
Too bad I don't like anything ever. And when I do, there's always something wrong. Something that I can't get past that just seems so unfair.

On another note, I've been really sick. Sick for over 3 weeks. I'm finally getting better, which is nice.
I need to get back into shape before I go to Hawaii. Just because there will be a lot of walking and I don't want to be out of breath, constantly.
I know there's so much I have to catch up on. Basically, since my dog died, my life has just flown by. I haven't cared enough to pay attention to very much lately. I just kind of... Float through, drift around.
Hope no one talks directly to me so I don't have to respond or force emotion that isn't there.
Maybe my dog passing just pushed me over the edge. Maybe I need that vacation more than I thought I did.
Or just maybe, I need a mental health day.

I got the job I was applying for for this Summer, which will be excellent. It starts 5 days after my birthday and goes until the end of the Summer. So if I dislike it, it's only a few months, not a year. Plus, it's seasonal, so I can work full time this Summer no problem.

I just wish, for once, that everything would work out (drama-wise). Looking back before everything went downhill for me, it's like an entirely different person. Someone without a real care. At least that's how I like to think back.
The problem with blocking everything out, is that you forget details like how something felt. So you look for a feeling you don't remember. All that does is hurt, in the end.
I've realized that, so does that make the battle of happiness half over?

If you can't be comfortable with yourself on the inside, you will never, ever, be comfortable with yourself on the outside.
That's my own personal advice, it works for everything except helicopter repair.

kthnx.

2009-03-07T16:13:00.000-08:00

Shadow
December 1, 2002- March 6, 2009.
RIP <3.

It's odd how people live and die. Some act as if tomorrow will always be there, like myself; and others know that tomorrow may never come, so they make the best of what time they know they still have.
It is also odd that in my post where I said that Shadow was ill and we didn't know what was wrong with her, at the same time, the phone rang with her results. I never said that or bothered to change my post, because I never edit my posts.
It is also odd that two days ago, when I said that she was diagnosed with lymphoma, the next day, Shadow passed away a half hour before I got home.

What is even more odd than all of these facts, is the fact that Shadow loved the snow. More than playing fetch or panting in my face, and today, it is snowing.

People go crazy trying to make sense of things like this. Wondering if strange days like today came from our loved ones that have passed.
We spend days in mourning, sometimes weeks, maybe even months or longer. We allow ourselves to feel bad because it helps us heal to be in our own personal hell for a few days. You have to be sad before you can be happy; damaged before you can be healed.
I suppose death is a way or reminding us of our mortality, and the fact that you won't always see it coming, like I didn't. Or maybe you will, like my parents and brother did as they watched Shadow wander, disoriented, until finally lying down in her favourite place and closing her eyes one last time.
We all assume that tomorrow will be there. That's why we go to bed early, wishing for the day to be over instead of cherishing the fact that we have today.

It's sad to think of how short life is, but it can be happy as well. What would we do if everyone lived forever? That would mean we could never appreciate anything, really, because we would never have anything taken away.

Okay, bye.

It's A Broken Smile, Breaking Their Hearts.

2009-03-05T20:17:00.000-08:00

Shadow was diagnosed with lymphoma on February 10th, 2009.

And what am I doing? Downloading music. Music, music, music. I suppose that counts as a form of codependency, no?
I got in touch with some old friends this week, which was nice. Although it brings up some sour memories of why we stopped talking. It's hard to start over with someone when you used to know them so well, and then they've changed. Although, I'm sure I have as well.

It's an odd feeling when someone can just open up their heart and let everything spill out to you. I don't think there's a real way to prepare yourself, except to find any way possible to sympathize.
A girl I go to school with spent almost 2 straight hours explaining everything that has really affected her since about grade 6. It was all very random, I just asked about her Facebook status. She went into details about her step mom, how crazy she is; and her dad defending her and saying that she was not allowed to see her half brother or step sister until she apologized when she hadn't done anything.

On another subject; have you ever been taken out of your shell and been shaken violently? It isn't pleasant. As soon as you get used to something, or you start to take it for granted, it's taken from you completely.
Examples; my grandmother, who has Norwalk, which is a "superbug" that's resistant to medication; my dog developing lymphoma over a single weekend; and finally, my friends being caught doing drugs at school. Not that I partook, but they still had to go to the hospital, because the special brownies they had eaten were laced with something along the lines of speed.
How can you feel bad for someone that made a huge mistake? Easily.
It makes it even harder to stay mad when they apologize for everything they've put you through by doing the drugs in front of you, causing confliction, and then ignoring you the Monday after doing drugs at school, causing more confliction.

A person can only take so much change at once. There's only so much pressure one's back can take before it breaks. Some people just have stronger bones than others.

I love my friends for their differences. I couldn't stand it if they were all the same, or close to perfect. I love their disabilities and weaknesses. That's what makes them human, and what point is having an inhuman friend?
But, then again, inhuman friends wouldn't get sick easily and then hug you while sick. I don't know in what world that's a kind thing to do, but I don't approve.

The people I was waiting for are finally online, so I'm out.

Mr. Pitiful, Who Let You Down?

2009-02-11T17:51:00.000-08:00

Shit week.

Definitely a shit week.

First off, my grandma is in the hospital with pneumonia. Secondly, my dog has some kind of mysterious illness that's killing her. So far, she's blind and easily disoriented. Although I guess that's pretty easy to do when you're blind and not eating. Lastly, I got into a fight today. Not like I wasn't already stressed out.
I honestly didn't even mean to get into the fight. A friend of mine took out a camera and was filming us, so I got up and closed the door behind me as creepily as possible. Then this girl from my grade was standing behind me and randomly started trying to beat me up. And I'm actually not leaving any details out with this, that actually happened. I don't know if she has a screwed up sense of humour or what, but my legs are covered in bruises. Yes, my legs.
Since I'm also in an all-girls school with a uniform, I thought that was a pretty lousy place to hit somebody. Seeing as there's a kilt in the uniform, and all.

And what's worse? I did nothing about this fight. I cried to a friend for a while and that was about it. Was that wrong? What else was I supposed to do? My school's counselor has a schedule so jam-packed that she can't make any new appointments for the next three weeks.

On a happier note, I have a new interest, if you will. If you were to put a lot of thought into him and I, we would have almost every obstacle against us working.
But that doesn't stop me from really, really liking him.
Oh, and he likes me too.

I just can't look at her. Seeing her, blind, lost, it makes me so sad I feel sick. I love her to pieces, but I just can't look her in the face anymore.
I want my dog back.
Of course it isn't her fault. She has as much control over what's happening to her as I do about catching a cold.
But I still want my old dog back. The sweet one that was a close-talker, who's tail was always wagging, the one that always drank too much water and slopped it around. The dog I've had since she was born and I was in grade 3.
I still remember bringing pictures of her and her brothers and sisters to class a few days after she was born. And that feels like a lifetime ago, not to mention when she was healthy.
I'm still in disbelief of how quickly my life turned upside down. With a sick grandma (who's doing better) and a dying dog (not so much).
Apparently there are only two options of what's wrong with her, so far. Lymphoma and an infection.
But with how many antibiotics and steroids she's on, the second is doubtful so far.
So basically, we're all just hoping that she has some kind of mystery illness that will just go away. But I don't think she's ever going to see again.

Kthnxbai.

Sometimes Goodbye Is A Second Chance

2009-01-23T17:55:00.001-08:00

...And sometimes I press the "enter" key too fast.

Anyways...

It's exam week! Oh, what fun. Technically it isn't a week since it's spread out over the weekend. I was even lucky enough to have Math, and then English and Science the next day. Unfortunately, I've been struggling with Science for the past few weeks, but before that it was smooth sailing.
I'd like to take this chance to say Belated Happy New Year. I haven't even thought about blogging since... Well, the last time I blogged. Who knows when that was. As if anyone actually read it.

You know, I wouldn't hate school if I didn't feel like I was wasting my time to the point that it actually depresses me.
I go there, I write down things I will never use in life, and I leave. While sharing gossip that could be fictitious or not; who knows, who cares.
So what's the point of it all? So that I won't be illiterate? I'm already literate. So why am I still here? What am I working towards? Is there some kind of massive goal so great that it's worth forgetting who I am? Or my peers having breakdowns? Why don't I feel accomplished when I leave, after making it through another day? I should be glad that my days are numbered, but I'm not.
I should be happy.
But I'm not.
I should feel at least a little fulfilled.
But again, I'm not.

Why not? I have no idea. I brush it off as "savouring my childhood" but it's so much less than that.
I don't want to do anything, I have no will to do anything. And it's like no one around me cares either.
Prime of my life my rear.
I am lied to daily, lead to believe that people who are incapable of changing will become someone else. I try to convince myself that people are better than they are, but it's useless. The people I know are exactly the same at the end of the day; which, at least for the people my age, is very sad.

I could go on listing people I don't like and how I believe they've wronged me, but it's a waste of time.
Time that seems so precious lately.
My days just feel so... Limited. As if at any moment, everything will end and I'll have nothing to show for myself except memories and people that would pretend to be upset.
Now that is a reason to be upset.

It's hard to not lose yourself when there are fake people all around you, pretending to like you. And then one day you wake up and realize that the people that were real, were honest, are gone. The only useful thing I've done for myself lately is put acne cleaner on my face and clean my ears.
And waste my time.

There was recently a note being copied, pasted, and filled out on Facebook. I couldn't believe it when I read it. "My Life Is 66% Worth Living".
I actually swore out loud when I saw something that stupid. The first few questions are all material gifts, and then it goes on to say that if you don't have a girlfriend/boyfriend that your life isn't worth living.
Who would fill this out? About 20 of my friends on Facebook.
And yes, I fill out those kinds of notes frequently. But that was just plain stupid. I would never fill out a note like that, probably for fear of seeing, "Your Life Is 12% Worth Living" or something similar to that.

Did I mention that I'm in the midst of exams? On the bright side of this... Well, this year so far, I almost peed my pants laughing at my own Science exam. I was past exhausted and slightly hysterical from stress and general anxiousness, but I drew a weasel for a kind of food web; and I don't know what a weasel looks like. When I think weasel, I think of Ronald Weasley. So I drew a kind of slug with almost platypus feet. I also drew a Fox with a beak.

Also, recently, my spare/ study block has gotten a new member. I normally share this period with my "little buddy", Alex, but now there's a new girl. So far... I don't know. She's really nice but I don't know what to think of her. She has a very, very outgoing personality that's almost threatening to mine. I won't say her name for obvious reasons, but still. She has these amazing, raunchy stories that normally have a terrible ending of some kind. Like wandering through Victoria at night, drunk, and getting robbed.
There's something satisfying about listening to her. I don't have to say anything at all, really, and that isn't a problem for her. She doesn't insist on me saying much of anything. She's also my age, although she's in the grade below me because of her birthday being earlier in the year.
The other great thing about her is that when I do feel like sharing some input, she doesn't interrupt me. I know I have a terrible habit of interrupting people; mainly because my parents are the type where getting in a few words between each other is hard, let alone a third person trying to join in the conversation.

I thought that this year was going to be a great start-over. But so far, it's the same as the past two except that now, I have people following me around asking if I got high over the weekend. No, I didn't. I don't really plan to, either.
I also don't see why that's such a huge deal. I mean really, who cares? Is there really that large a defining line between "smokers and jokers"? I guess that makes me pretty hilarious.

Ah, yes, and if you ever have a bit of free time and are looking for a laugh, I highly recommend watching "Arby 'n' the Chief: S3E03: "Professional" http://ca.youtube.com/watch?v=zdR5-eVKRJI

It's around 5 minutes in that, I find, it gets really good. I spent most of last night watching those videos instead of studying for my Science exam. I'd laugh but that isn't really a good suggestion. I completely forgot what "adaptive radiation" was. Thank god for multiple choice.

Thanks for reading.

Favourite video =D

2008-06-20T20:42:00.001-07:00

Confusion...

2008-06-11T16:11:00.000-07:00

Current time: 4:13pm
Current song: Different Than You- The Exies

Now, I know I haven't written in a while. I also know that the chances of someone reading this are very slim...

So, I'll say whatever I feel like!

Lately, there have been a few... Minor inconveniences in the game of life...
First off, the boy I currently like has seemingly disappeared off the face of the Earth. No, I am not kidding. He has just... Left. He left about 2 days ago and no one has seen him...
The part that really bothers me here is that right before he left, we had a fight.

Now, I blamed myself for a long time over this particular fight until a friend told me that it actually wasn't my fault. It took even longer for me to believe her.
He promised to call me. He said he would. He never did. I got mad. Then he asked me to call him, I was still mad and said no.
He got angry as well, so I decided we needed space. Later on, though, I began to think this was a terrible idea.
I told him I was going away for a while... I don't know if he believed me but he hasn't been online in weeks.
Not like he'd actually call...

Then, dramatically enough, I have another boy chasing me like meat to a hungry lion.

Basically, the boy I like isn't paying attention to me, and the boy I don't like is giving me the attention I crave from the boy that isn't paying attention to me.

If my life were a book, this would probably be the first chapter. It's always repeating in the same way...

Actually, there are two boys I'm not interested in chasing me. One doesn't listen to me when I try to let him down and the other just... Won't leave me alone.

That's it.

I Play The Guitar Pretty Good

2008-06-02T19:45:00.000-07:00

This is one of my personal favourite poems:

"I play guitar pretty good,
and one night
I went to this party
at Sue Sawyer's house
and I'm standing around
being the usual
beanpole jerk that I am
when I see a guitar behind a chair.
So I pull it out
and it's way out of tune
but I get it as tuned
as anyone can
and I start playing.
I'm playing some Villa-Lobos
and some Kottke
and some Albinez,
and the next thing I know
I've got four or five
girls sitting there with moon eyes,
and I'm feeling like
I am the most beautiful man
in the world.
My teeth are getting straight,
my skin is clearing up,
my jaw is squaring,
and my shoulders spread like wings
I sit there beautiful
all night long,
playing,
and the moon girls
flutter against me now and then
the way girls can do
that sends your blood
rushing to all the right places.
Then wouldn't you know,
the next day I'm back at Maywell's
and sure enough they all trickle in
sometime during the day
and they seem kind of confused,
kind of like they took a wrong turn
and there are
no moons
and no flutters,
and the jerk is a pumpkin
they could have sworn
was something else the night before
I wipe the crumbs
off the counter and I understand like
I never did till now
why Cinderella
ran so hard
and so fast
when the clock struck twelve."

By Cynthia Rylant

I just wanted to share that with you, since you can't find it anywhere else on the internet.

Indeed.

2008-05-14T19:54:00.002-07:00

So, I know that I tend to write excruciatingly long posts sometimes, but I really do have a lot on my mind sometimes.

And besides, everyone needs some kind of outlet. Right?

Anyways, I was reading this book about a girl not being honest- ever- and I thought to myself, am I actually being honest? I sure try to be. But how can everyone be honest all the time? It's hard. But this boy she meets, he tells her that all you need to do is think about what you say before you say it, and anyone can be completely honest.
The honest truth? There's a lot of gossip at my school, and there can never, ever be an exaggeration of how much goes on there. Right now the rumours are flying about me and I really just don't understand why someone could decide to hate me so much after I actually didn't do anything.
Me? I try to be honest as much as humanly possible; the only time I do lie is at school when I'm covering for someone who said something bad, instead of just screwing them over. I would never personally do that to someone, even if we were, like, mortal enemies. Because that is such a low shot, I don't see the real need for shots below the belt.

Speaking of belts (I guess this is partially relevant), I began kickboxing yesterday! It was amazing, absolutely perfect. It was the exact thing I was looking for. Kickboxing is my brand of heroine.
I'm not even that much of a sports addict, I enjoy my badminton, but not something overly physical like soccer.
It isn't like I'm completely out of shape, but I don't think I'm a pole, either... Even though anyone else will disagree with me.

As this may sound odd to whomever reads this, I'm not even sure how I'll begin to explain it. So please, bear with me here.
I feel... Breakable. Like anything anyone says or doesn't say can hurt me physically. So I'm in a constant fear of being hurt, which has made me silent these past few days.
But in the end, the only person who really notices is one girl at school. One. No one else has noticed my sudden lack of interaction. This worries me even more. It makes me question my social placement at school, at home, in the entire population on the island. It makes me realize that I'm not anywhere near the top, although I'm not even sure who would be. You can't be loved by everyone. But I at least thought I had some real friends.

Anyways, it's late and I should go.

Leadership Conference/ This Week

2008-04-30T21:34:00.001-07:00

So, today we had this mandatory leadership conference that no one was excited about.

It turned out to be okay. One guy made us do, "The Beaver Dance", which was horrific.
It was somewhere in between a standing up push up and a squat... I don't like either of those things, which is why it was horrific.

The bus ride was long from Victoria and we had to be at school at 7am, which was worse than one of the speakers who was monotone and completely uninspiring. No offense to him, but I got nothing out of that speech about an Australian Hairy Frog that got kicked 10 feet in the air... Yes, the way I just bluntly put it does sound interesting, but he had a very long, drawn out version that took over a half hour.

Either way, the past week hasn't been easy.

First off, a new person recently entered my life and changed it.
Secondly, I lost a friend this week. She didn't die or anything, she's just randomly stopped talking to me all together and refuses to try and fix things between us even though I've apologized... Even though I don't know what I did.
Thirdly, the past week has just been impacting me like a bulldozer. I hate to complain, but it seems almost everything I say is a complaint nowadays.
And, lastly, I've been becoming more and more depressed and everyone seems oblivious to that. No one has noticed me being quieter or refusing to make eye contact. I've openly told people how unhappy I am but it's like no one understands at all what I mean.

Basically, it makes me sick. The entire catastophe that is this week is making me very, very ill. And oh so tired. I'm not sure how much longer I can keep moving, because it's like running a marathon inside my own head with no ending. I get an odd warm and very uncomfortable feeling in my stomach/heart area when I think about my own feelings; just because they seem so dark lately.
I also can't keep a thought to myself, which is why I'm writing this. When an insult or comment of any sort comes into my mind, I feel the need to yell it. And it doesn't even feel like me doing it. Expressing myself, only it isn't myself.
It's very complicated to be me.

The girl that has basically abandoned me this week doesn't care at all what she does to me. How badly she hurts me.
She's been ignoring me for 6 days now. I've apologized three times, asked what I can do to make it better, and basically tried to smooth everything over. But she refuses to help me do this. When I ask what's wrong, she gives vague answers. When I try and help, I get the answer, "Whatever. Just leave me alone."
Maybe there's something more I'm not aware of? But there couldn't be, we were best friends before last Friday when she went to a party I was publically not invited to.
She talked about it for a day and a half after she knew my plans for that night had been last-minute cancelled and she knew that I was feeling cabin fever from the routine I've fallen into.

But instead of even saying something about a girl inviting me to a concert and then the day before says, "Well, if you go, you'll be by yourself the whole time," she ignores me for a day and a half and talks to everyone but me about some huge party that the entire grade is invited to (and then some) and says not a word to myself.

That just hurts.

I'm not sure what else to say about this, actually. It's just been a really bad week.
And a really bad year.

Oh, by the by, this morning I:
1) Burnt the entire inside of my mouth
2) Ruined my shirt
3) Cut my hands on a bottle malfunction where the plastic had a small spike coming out of it but it was clear plastic and I pay little attention to these things so I slit my hand open.
4) Ate food with salt in it after burning my mouth, which was so painful I cried through dinner.

Oh, yes, the person I met.
He's very nice, although I meet a lot of people. He's definetly one of a kind. He gets as depressed as I do, we listen to a lot of the same music, share almost everything in common. And he's cute, too.
He also cares about me. And of course, that's a pretty important part of it.
He also types like I do. With punctuation. You thought I just typed like this for the heck of it? No, I know for a fact that if I type like, "how r u 2nit", I'll either go insane, trigger happy (similar to insane but not the same), or I'll type and write like that all the time and my teachers will get annoyed with me pretty fast.

On one last note;

I really want to go see a doctor about my mood swings and constant fits. I can't control myself anymore and I don't even know what's set this long string of behaviour issues off.
I used to never, ever cry unless someone truly hurt me. Now, I come home and cry every day... Even if I had a good day.
I don't know what's wrong with me, and I don't know if this will even stop. I've been taken online quizzes (because I love taking quizzes) and each one says that I'm depressed... I don't want to be depressed, but 15 seperate quizzes on different websites can't all be wrong, can they?

I worry a lot. I know that it's a bad habit of mine, I constantly worry about things. Even things that don't include me.

It's just... Hard. Very hard. I wish there was someone to talk to, but I feel so isolated. I've tried talking to my parents and they think that it's just this week's events that have made me feel like this, but it isn't just this week. Maybe I'm looking too much into things, but I was watching TV and when a Depression Health commercial came on, I paid very close attention to it, more than I normally would, actually.

It said that depression caused aches and pains, fatigue, loss of short term memory and growing discomfort with self.
That matches how I've felt all year perfectly. Which is why I'm so worried.

Well, thank you for letting me vent, finally. It isn't like I don't have friends to talk to this about, but I just needed to let go of this tension on my shoulders to someone who couldn't interupt with, "Maybe it's just..."'s and, "Well, I'm sure"'s.

Basically, thanks for reading, if you got this far because this was a massive blog. I'm hoping to write more often so it won't be so darned long.

School life.

2008-04-08T20:56:00.000-07:00

Well, today was a very bland day up until Lunch. A girl named Kiara, who's one of my closer friends at school, threw a piece of bread at Chloe when she wasn't looking. She jumped almost 4 feet in the air, it was hilarious.
So then, Chloe grabs Erin's quische and throws it, beaning Puja in the head. Now, Puja has very long hair. And the quische was everywhere. It was really awful, she had to borrow Kiara's phone to get her mom to pick her up since otherwise, Seagulls would probably attack her on her way to the bus...
Anyways, her mom agreed to pick her up, thank goodness. It would be embarassing for everyone if she came to school the next day with a bunch of cuts from Seagulls.
So, next, Puja picked up a handful of lettuce and maccaroni, bunch it into a ball and threw it in Chloe's general direction. It hit Jillian in the side of the head.

You can pretty much guess that it got out of hand until one of the cafeteria staff came and, with her arms up in the air, said, "Okay, there is a 14 foot wall here. You cannot throw over it because it's too high, you cannot go through it because it is a wall. No more throwing food."
What a downer.
Anyways, as soon as we were outside, it began again. Jillian was mostly keeping it going, though.
I've never been a fan of Jillian. She says that one day she'll pour hair dye on my hair, even though I know for a fact that not too long ago, she tried to dye hers my colour and it turned blue.

While we were outside, she was trying to nail me with some celery she found on the ground - Ew! - So, I came up behind her and slapped her in the hand so hard that she started to cry. Not that they were real tears, I'm not particularly sure she's capable of that... I know that sounds mean, but she isn't a pleasant person, in all honesty.
Puja actually defended my actions for once, if you can believe it... Which I have trouble doing, myself.
She told Jillian that that was exactly what she deserved for getting quische in her hair... Which is probably true. But I just didn't want to have celery in my bra. Nothing ruins your day like having celery in your bra. Seriously.

School life in an all-girls school is a lot harder than most seem to believe, actually. The teachers are harder, of course the education can't be beaten, but still. There's always so much drama, that's the only reason that anyone ever leaves the school other than graduating or money problems.

It actually is a good school, contrary to popular belief. It's more who you ask. And when you ask them.

We actually all just got off a break. A two and a half week break, actually. It was great; just what everyone needed. While I was on that break, I met a boy. Oh, who would have guessed that one? A boy...
You can meet someone anywhere. If you run into them more than twice, then you should probably go and say hi; that is, if they noticed too.
I tend to meet guys that don't like me back. Those are the only guys I seem to like; the ones that don't like me.
The ones that do like me are nice, don't get me wrong. But they tend to... Stalk me. Currently, I have 4 stalkers. And because of some application on Facebook called, "Flirtable" one of them is a girl. I thought she was kidding, so I clicked, "Flirt back." The next day, my friend told me that she had a girlfriend...

Did I mention that today was bland? Oh, no, it wasn't bland. We saw a woman giving birth in Health today as an entrance to the "Sexual Health Awareness" unit... Joy. And it wasn't like on TV when you see there's a curtain/ her legs in the way. It was up-close and personal. The entire class felt bad for the baby, the doctor was basically abusing it the way he threw it around. It was very odd...

Today in Art class, in fact, Puja and I had a very exhilarating talk of a boy that she "doesn't like".
Last night, he said something along the lines of, "I'll come to your tea party... But none of that shortbread sh*t. I want biscuits!" She was laughing for what seemed hours... It was a very long day...

Okay, then, I have Math homework to finish by tomorrow- second block!
I'll blog again soon :) I just wanted to get down the food fight part.