I Don't Know How I'm Meant To Feel Anymore.

Time: 7:24pm
Current Song: Comme Des Enfants (Le Matos Andy Carmichael Remix)- Coeur De Pirate
Mood: Anxious

Dear Diary,

I haven't posted here in a long time, (or, at least, what feels like a long time) for many personal reasons.
It isn't that I dislike my four or five readers, but my grandmother recently passed away and I've been keeping that private until now. But that's mostly for pity reasons. I hate when you want sympathy, but no one will give you any; but when you don't want it, it's all you have. I don't believe I've ever wanted sympathy or pity; I don't think that's what anyone really wants. It's just a difficult time, full of things I'd rather not discuss at current. So basically no, I haven't been blogging.
I haven't really been writing, period. Or reading. I'm so lame.

Anyways.
I am a personal believer that when someone dies, it brings out everyone's true colours. Whether they knew the person or not, people tend to show their true colours after you've lost someone. Don't ask me, because it doesn't even completely make sense, but it's just personal experience that makes me believe this. Maybe it's some kind of random cosmic reaction? The point is, every time I've lost someone, I've realized who is a good or bad friend. Or sometimes, without even bringing up that I've lost someone, I just finally wake up to what a person is really saying to me.
Personally, I think life is just too short to waste on someone that won't treat you as you should be treated, or someone that you don't like. Sure, living like that could make you lose friends, but they couldn't have been very good friends if having self-esteem makes them leave.

So.
About my vacation.
The day after the funeral, my parents, brother, and I all packed up and went to Enderby. It was a seriously long drive from Sidney. Why would we go to a tiny town that I'd never heard of before the drive up there (I couldn't remember the name until over half-way up)? It has the largest drive-in theatre in Northern America. Pretty impressive. Although, being the "city-slicker" I am, I couldn't help but be a little critical of all the "small-town" people there. I live in the suburbs; they lived in the middle of nowhere.
A single event while at the drive-in will always stick with me. It was a girl a few years younger than me, pleading with her mother in the bathroom to go sit in an older boy's truck to watch the second move, which was 18A. Her mom refused to let her, with good reason, but this girl just would not let up with this idea she had in her head that being in an older guy's truck by herself was a good idea.
Basically, the conversation went like this:
"But he can drive me home!"
"No. I don't want you with some boy in the dark."
"But he isn't that old. I'll be fine. Please?"
"*Shakes head* No."
"Okay, I'm going anyways."
"Come back! I said NO!"

Yeah. But I felt so guilty being anywhere near this conversation, because she was obviously trying really hard to impress the by-standers. Which included myself.

We only stayed one night in Enderby, which was probably better off, since there wasn't that much to do there, anyways. Okay, that I saw and that was tourist-y.

I was going to write about a lot more, but I'm exhausted since I only came home last night.
Kthnxbai

I Look At My Hands And Feel Sad, 'Cause The Spaces In Between My Fingers Are Right Where Yours Fit Perfectly.

I'm finally going to do it... I'm going to post my Twitter.

www.twitter.com/Marizipan

I know, the name is such a shock, eh?
Anyways, all I really do is post on my Twitter. Complaining about music, good shows to watch, what a good song to look up is, etc.

Of course, that doesn't mean that I'll stop blogging. I just find Twitter a lot better for the now, instead of writing about what happened weeks ago in great detail. Although do love detail.
I could go on all night, but I plan to sleep soon.

Kthnxbaii <3.

The Stars Lean Down To Kiss You, And I Lie Awake And Miss You.

Time: 3:37pm
Current Song: Vanilla Twilight- Owl City
Mood: Nuetral

Dear Diary,

Hello from my iPod!
First off, I want to apologize in advance for the numerous spelling and grammatical errors that will probably follow.
Last night, I found out how far outside of the Owl City loop I was, because he just came out with a new CD?! Not only this, but he got signed since the last time I as on his MySpace! How embarassing.

I've decided that I need to accomplish something. Of course, that won't be easy since I'm not even sure what's important to me anymore, but I'm drawn to the idea nonetheless. As soon as I figure out what that is, I'll write it here. Right now, music is huge for me, but I don't have any musical talents.

Coronation Street is on. kthnxbaii

And They're All Made Out Of Ticky-Tacky, And They All Look Just The Same.

Time: 8:30pm
Current Song: Chelsea Smile- Bring Me The Horizon
Mood: Anxious.


Dear Diary,

Ugh.

I feel like I'm forgetting something really important, but I don't know what. I hate that.

Anyways.
New life goals:
- Go to England, use health care and find out if it really is any better than anywhere else (of course, this excludes the US for obvious reasons).
- Possibly go to France, but only for a short period as I don't speak French.
- Stop speaking in point form.
- Finish the story that's in my mind and driving me nuts, because it's only in the second chapter.
- Have someone bake me a pie because they can, not because I ask.

Those are the currents, the pie one was actually serious. The story is a tricky one that I don't think will ever get done, because I don't like actually physically writing, so I type it out. But I end up zoning out or getting distracted at the computer, so I'm not sure it will ever get finished.
Even if it did, I don't know what I'd do with it. Although, isn't it the same old story? You want what you can't have, but if you were to get it, you would have no idea what to do with it.

I know it's been a randomly long time since I've written on here, and I probably should have reread my last post to figure out what I mentioned, so I'll just go back as far as I can, and if I repeat myself, oh well :-P.

I got a puppy named Ramsey, and he's about 4 months old now (oh my, that happened fast). My brother left for Europe at the beginning of July and probably won't recognize Ramsey when he gets back, because he's so much bigger now.
I'm taking in-class driving lessons, which is okay I suppose. I have a really odd teacher. In the first class, since I was tired and grumpy, I did that thing where I only picked out the bad in him, which wasn't fair. But in the second class, I made sure I didn't do that, and then I realized that we have a really similar sense of humour.
Unfortunately, I had a girl I went to elementary school with, who hated me, behind me for the second class, constantly sighing overdramatically in my ear whenever I opened my mouth. So that was irritating. But I've made a few friends in that class, which makes me quite happy. It just proves that you can make friends anywhere.
One girl is my brother's age, pregnant, and engaged. Oddly, though, she isn't as interesting to me as the girl that's actually my age, simply because the older girl is quiet most of the time.
Although my entire class is normally quiet except for me, haha. My teacher and I end up ranting at each other with "What if...?"'s and "But then..."'s, or just random jokes that make me laugh hysterically.
For some reason it came up that I'd had a teacher who spat a lot, and then he said something like, "Haha, do they give you a towel with your shower?" and I laughed harder than I have in a while.

I think that covers everything, actually. I'm learning to drive, as well. Well, obviously from the classes.

Kthnxbaii.

When The Moon Fell In Love With The Sun, All Was Golden In The Sky. All Was Golden When The Day Met The Night...

I am.
Sick.
And tired.
Of exams.

I mean, seriously, I have two Math exams, two Science exams, an English and a Socials exam. That's SIX EXAMS. With a "debrief" in between my math exams and another in between my Science exams.
That's a lot of work and I should probably be more stressed. But I don't really care. I played the Sims 3 last night for about 5 hours before my exam this morning.
An exam is only hard in a subject that you aren't interested in. I'm not really interested in anything at the moment, so that isn't the greatest sign for me.

Also.
Pheremones.
I hate them but there isn't exactly a way to get rid of them. So irritating. They make you want someone, but when they fall into your lap? You don't want them anymore. I guess that's a big part of being an undecisive teenager =/.

Anyways. I'm exhausted and I need a new book. Desperately. It's also my birthday on Wednesday and I just don't care. I don't want to get older, I don't really want my L, and I don't want any presents. I'm just a party pooper during exams, haha.

I know this was short but... Kthnxbaii

Come Sit By Me At Lunch, And Make Me Feel Like I'm Somehow Cool.

I can only snap with one hand. How weird is that?

I know, it's been an incredibly long time since I've posted and I'm sorry. But before I talk about Hawaii, sea turtles, helicopter and submarine rides, I'd like to put a thought out there.

What is friendship? I mean, really. Do you have any idea? I'm starting to realize that it's harder to find than I once assumed.
The person I thought was my best friend turned on me. And I'm not just saying this, it really just... Happened.
I thought she was helping me, making me feel like and be a better person, but she was only really hurting me emotionally.
So right now, honestly, feels like a fairly vulnerable time. Although I'm one of those poor saps that wears their heart on their sleeve and hopes that no one comes and walks on it.
Why? Because I don't know how to keep it from people, it's in my nature to keep it there.

Anyways, that isn't the point, the point is that we stopped talking over something stupid, that makes little sense, and now that we aren't friends, I feel like there's a weight off of my shoulders. I'm happier not being her friend, and I don't mind that.
She sent me an apology via Facebook and I didn't respond, because it was on Facebook. The next day? She didn't speak to me, so I figured, "Screw it, she's a coward." She still hasn't tried to fix things, so that's her problem.
A problem I'm not about to help her with.
It's weird, though, because she was with two people that I don't really like. One that refuses to speak to me in person, and one that's just... You know what? I'm not going to go into that. She's "Person B" from my last post.
And while she was with these two girls, she ignored me and laughed just a little bit too much. Almost like that pathetic, "Look what you're missing out on" thing.
I know I sound really, really mean, or at least I think I do, but the whole thing is ridiculous and I'm tired of it. Thank god for the end of school.

On another subject, I went to Hawaii. It was glorious. I snorkeled/swam with sea turtles, travelled all over the island, saw a volcanic vent in the dark, took a helicopter ride over another volcanic vent, and went in a submarine the day after the helicopter ride.
I learned a lot, had a lot of fun, and had a ton of trouble not being tired because it was so humid. But it really was amazing, my family and I took at least 700 pictures along the way.

I recently got a puppy, too! his name is Ramsey. By 'recently', I mean I got him on Wednesday, June 10th around 11pm. Okay, I say 11pm but my parents actually picked him up and met him the day before around 4:30pm. He came from the Interior of BC, so it took them a day to drive up there and pick him up.
Ramsey is rambunctious. Very, very rambunctious. He bites, scratches, everything. But he's adorable! He has grey eyes and almost white fur because he's a yellow lab. He's two months and two days old today, by the way.

On a completely different subject...
I'm a little bit insulted, because several of my friends graduated on the 11th and I was not only not invited, but I didn't even know! No one told me.
So I'm avoiding a lot of people right now, because that seems like a jerk move to me. What's worse? I saw pictures of other people I know in the same pictures.
Am I overreacting?
UPDATE (I've been meaning to update this for days): I asked a friend of mine for some input about this and he talked to me about how limited grad tickets were, so it isn't an issue anymore. I also feel really bad for not remembering to update this sooner.

K, well, that's it for now. If anyone actually reads this, post a comment (because I actually know how to check for them now).
kthnxbai eat your vegetables and get some vitamin D.

PS. I lost my job. The Japanese kids I was supposed to be hosting at my school this summer aren't coming because of fear of the Swine Flu, or H1N1.

Every Day That Passes Is One Less That You Got To Shake Your Asses!

GAH!

That's right, gah! Gah for all the days that I wondered if I was crazy.
Gah for all the times that I felt completely alone.

Gah for my freaking school drama.

It's just suffocating sometimes. I have a vacation coming up, so I'm getting kind of desperate to get on that plane and go to Hawaii.
So today...
I know, I'm not even jumping around it, there's just a story I need to get out there.

While my friend was in the bathroom, a girl that I can't stand reached into her purse and made a phone call to one of her friends. You see, the girl that was in the bathroom? Yeah, she wouldn't have known that her cellphone had been used without permission if the guy hadn't called back. I mean it, he called and asked for that girl that had "borrowed" the phone.
Later on, the owner of the phone, let's call her Person A, got harassed by the guy repeatedly because he was looking for the girl who took the phone, let's call her Person B.
Person A flipped at Person B in the hallway. "[Person B], what the fuck where you doing with my phone?"
Of course, being Person B, she would never admit to it, so she kept claiming that another girl had a similar phone number. Person B doesn't have a cell phone, so she wouldn't know that there's a specific category that says "Dialed Numbers" on the phone.
What was hilarious about this entire thing, was that during the argument, between the "Please stop yelling"'s and "I didn't use your phone"'s, she said, "Well, if it was really expensive, I could pay for it."
That's like saying, "I didn't murder the guy! I didn't murder the guy! It was an accident. But I didn't murder the guy!"


What I'm super tired of, besides this drama, is my teachers. Some of them I love and treat like friends, others I wish would stay out of my personal space when they smell like onions.
I think I need a hobby.
Too bad I don't like anything ever. And when I do, there's always something wrong. Something that I can't get past that just seems so unfair.

On another note, I've been really sick. Sick for over 3 weeks. I'm finally getting better, which is nice.
I need to get back into shape before I go to Hawaii. Just because there will be a lot of walking and I don't want to be out of breath, constantly.
I know there's so much I have to catch up on. Basically, since my dog died, my life has just flown by. I haven't cared enough to pay attention to very much lately. I just kind of... Float through, drift around.
Hope no one talks directly to me so I don't have to respond or force emotion that isn't there.
Maybe my dog passing just pushed me over the edge. Maybe I need that vacation more than I thought I did.
Or just maybe, I need a mental health day.

I got the job I was applying for for this Summer, which will be excellent. It starts 5 days after my birthday and goes until the end of the Summer. So if I dislike it, it's only a few months, not a year. Plus, it's seasonal, so I can work full time this Summer no problem.


I just wish, for once, that everything would work out (drama-wise). Looking back before everything went downhill for me, it's like an entirely different person. Someone without a real care. At least that's how I like to think back.
The problem with blocking everything out, is that you forget details like how something felt. So you look for a feeling you don't remember. All that does is hurt, in the end.
I've realized that, so does that make the battle of happiness half over?

If you can't be comfortable with yourself on the inside, you will never, ever, be comfortable with yourself on the outside.
That's my own personal advice, it works for everything except helicopter repair.

kthnx.